Saturday, July 19, 2014

A Few Items For The Baby In The Belly That I Should Also Have Mentioned To Your Older Brother Before He Was Born

1. Let me first tell you, right off the bat, I'm sorry about high school. For that matter, I'm sorry about junior high. Of course I'm projecting here, but I've found the person is rare whose had a rip roaring time during their awkward adolescence. It is an awful time of cunning insecurity, intense listlessness and excusably mean contemporaries. 

2. The American Century is over, as they say. Whatever after-party you might be attending by the time you're old enough to attend it, know that the power has shifted and your country's moment as shining center of the geopolitical cultural universe is a shadow cast by a dead sun. This doesn't mean your country of origin isn't important, it means your country of of origin isn't as important as a bunch of people in your country of origin think it should be. 

3. You are hurt. You will be hurt. Everyone is always hurt.

4. If you can be some sort of humorous and adept blend of know-how and know-nothing, you'll have achieved some sort of satisfaction.

5. Good things to have around when you're sick: trampolines, peppermint, eucalyptus, tea tree, arnica, rosemary, garlic, turmeric, epsom salt, oysters, water, a good view. 

6. The only way to combat the smug is to be content.

7. Honesty, being honest, has nothing to do with truth, or truthfulness. Truth is something else. Truth, like its cousin success, is inaccessible in this lifetime. I suppose you'll figure those things out once you're dead, but by that point it will be too late. 

8. Never trust top ten lists, or Best-Of lists. It's something about their inherent passionlessness, or inherent passionateness. One of the two. On the one hand, they are drawn up by academics or intellectuals in said field of listedness who claim not to be moved by said good thingieness. On the other, they are simply a list of subjective preferences trying to pass off as objective authority. Either way, read them, catalogue them, but don't swear by them.

9. If you're humble and then you win, you've won twice, if you're proud and then you lose, you've lost twice. Do the other maths yourself on that one, but... if you aren't ostentatious, if you don't believe in yourself beyond anyone else's expectations, you'll never do a god damn thing. So do that. 

10. Surfing is wonderful. It's one of the only things I truly believe in, if you know what I mean. Try to understand that, even when it's difficult. 

11. Learn Italian. If only to be able to say "Se il mondo fosse una torta di merde torta di merda voi sarests la fetta pui grade" and say it with intent. 

12. Smiling makes you smarter. There's some science to that.

13. "Don't judge a book by its cover" is one of the most prescient bits of advice ever passed on, however if the person in front of you in the line for the airplane bathroom looks suspiciously like they're going to make the bathroom stink to high heaven, they probably are.

14. The worst things humans do to each other are persecutions in the name of morality. Read as much as possible. Write. Draw. Move. Look. Breathe. These things will help you steer clear of those classic pitfalls.


Alex said...

Absolutely genius!!
Thank you for this!!

scott said...

"...torte di merde" indeed! Nice!